Black and Single in South Central Kentucky

Hmmm. People say to me all the time, why are you still single? And I say because I am independent, strong, and not looking for a man. I don't want nor need a man. I think in my mind, "I wonder if they just bought that line of bull shit." I am still single because I am a 35 year old, black, single mom of three, living in a small town in rural Kentucky which has barely 1% African American population. To beat all, most of those 1% are my relatives. That is why I am still single. How can I overcome those odds to find "Mr. Right?" That is the question.

A staggering number of women, to be exact 86% have been married at least once by the age of 40. Time is ticking away for me as I am a little more than a month away from turning 36.  The only thing giving me comfort right now is the fact that every time I go eat Chinese food, their year of the rat place mats remind me that it is best for me to marry late in life. 

Single mom... Let's dissect this issue as it relates to marriage. Most pundits argue that a single mom only has about a 30% chance of ever marrying. I recently read a blog piece from a guy who listed the reasons he would not date a single mom. Here is what he has to say:

Single mothers. Well, here are MY issues with them (This pertains to a woman who had a kid and never married, or divorced her husband because “She wasn’t happy”. If she had a good marriage and he died, there might be wiggle room, but I still wouldn’t date her).

1: She decided to have a kid without a husband. This demonstrates terrible, selfish values. It also shows that she thinks of men as sperm donors and child support payers, NOT husbands & fathers. What will happen if you knock her up? Get ready to pay up for a kid that you won’t get to be a real dad to.

2: In some states, you can be responsible for child support by just living with her. I don’t want to pay for kids that aren’t mine. Do you?

3: False allegations of child abuse. It isn’t likely, but I don’t want to take that chance. Getting branded with a big “M” on your forehead (For Molester) will WRECK YOUR LIFE. It will never go away. Too big a risk.

4: Relationship aren’t easy as it is. Add a minor child and it really complicates the issue. Do you want to deal with her kid(s) too? You won’t be their dad and they will know it. Their mom already fucked up their life by not having a dad for them, and is fucking it up more by bringing in “Revolving door boyfriends” into their life.

5: Lots of single moms have financial problems. You will be obligated to help pay for sitters, food, braces, on and on. For children that aren’t yours. Get the credit card out!

6: There is NO reason to date one. Millions of women in this country are single with no kids, and in every age range. Go younger if you have to. Don’t waste your time with a woman that has PROVEN that she doesn’t want a husband for her and dad for her kids. Do you think she will change her mind for you? That she will forget her utter contempt for husbands and fathers just for you? Sure she will.

Although the arguments that this writer makes are from his own personal perspective and only offers up his opinions, I throughout my own life have met men who do not want to date a single mother for at least one of the reasons listed above. The writer did lose me on the "false allegations of child abuse" as that was way over the top. And I personally think the fathers are the ones who "fucked" up by failing to be responsible, available fathers in the lives of their children. I get sick and tired of mothers getting the bad rap. Most mothers would give anything if the absent fathers would be there for their kids. 

Realizing that I can't change the fact that I am a parent who is single (I won't say looking for love because I think love will find me), I have to find ways to accommodate the fact that I am a parent when attempting to date. It is increasingly difficult. I think it would have been easier if I would have tried to date and find someone meaningful when my children were younger. I have been single for so long that my children are even more rigid in terms of me dating. My relationship with my children and their wishes and desires have to trump mine and my desire to have a relationship with a man. I have also bore all the children I will ever bear. I am physically incapable of having any more children. This is another deterrent for men, especially those men who do not have children of their own. Some days it bothers me that I can't have any more children and it especially bothers me when I meet a man that I especially am fond of and I have to break the news that I can't have any more children. 

Let's move on to my other barriers. I am 35 going on 36. I am no longer a hot twenty something year old. I feel like I am a hot thirty something year but lets face it, thirty year old men are looking for twenty year old women, and forty year old men are looking for twenty year old women. I don't want to date someone so old he looks like my father. Age may be just a number but in the eyes of a man, it is a mark of fertility, virility, and a mark of their own self esteem. Just as I can't change the fact I am a single mom, I also can't change my age. 

Okay, I am a black woman. I think that would be okay if I lived in a large metropolitan area with a diverse population. Unfortunately where I live most of the men look like the cast of Duck Dynasty. That is NOT up my alley. The taboo of interracial relationships are still at issue in this small neck of the woods. People here still opine that it reads in the Bible that blacks and whites shouldn't mix. So as it stands I am a single 36 year old black woman with three kids. Sounds appealing right?

I have literally had to face my great desire to be in a fulfilling relationship which leads to a wonderful marriage, through tears at times. I don't feel like I HAVE to be married or I HAVE to be in a relationship. At this point, I kinda just want to see what my life would be like to be back in a committed relationship. 

I spent quite some time in a relationship with someone from my past who is actually in prison. In prison for many more years. 9 more years at best. 13 more years worse case scenario. Gosh do I feel stupid now... I remember one of my close friends scolding me and telling me it was better for me to be alone forever than to be with this person whom she considered not of the right ilk to begin with. I gave her all the reasons why I believed this was the thing for me to do. How the Universe was giving us so many signs and wonders that he is my soul mate. She said she didn't care about my delusions of the universe speaking to me, she cared about my well-being and she understood that I was trying to project my needs and desires of a relationship onto someone who was really in no position to be in a relationship. She asked me a frank question, "Are you doing this because you truly deep down inside are afraid you will not find someone to marry, so you settle for this person?" I wanted to shout, "NO, of course not." I couldn't, however. I was called on the carpet. In his defense, he is a dynamic person, very good looking, smart, and funny, but at the end of the day, he is in prison. I ended up feeling like I was in prison also. It was a relationship going nowhere fast... I still relish in the time that I had him in my life and absent that elephant in the room of prison, he would certainly be a catch! He is still a dear friend whom I talk to often. 

So will I ever find love?!? I don't know... Only time will tell. I won't sacrifice what I believe I deserve for the sake of being in a relationship...