American Idols

                                                                    American Idols

“Thou shall have no other gods before me” and “Thou shall not make unto thee any graven image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth: Thou shall not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them” are stinging words from a God who describes himself as a “very jealous God.” In an age were Biblical verses are taken as literal when it suits the whimsical cause, and other times viewed as mere suggestions against folly, the symbolic nature of these particular instructions strike me as apropos  today when everywhere the eye can see there is unadulterated consumerism and conspicuous consumption.

The stories of mayhem from “Black Friday 2012” shopping are particularly disturbing this year as the event garnered an even earlier start at many stores this year, beginning on Thanksgiving day itself. I wonder how many people said a lovely graceful prayer at their thanksgiving dinner table just hours prior to pushing, shoving, and threating others over kids’ toys, towels, panties and television sets. It is pure madness and pandemonium all in the name of securing more stuff, more idols, and more things to worship.  I witnessed over and over just hours after snagging the so-called bargain goods, people on the internet trying to re-hock the hours old goods as consumers boasted “black Friday deal, changed my mind, only wanting to get my money back.” You mean you have already changed your mind about the products you purchased just a few hours earlier by camping out, and freezing your butt off to fight and elbow to get? I rarely return goods to a store unless they malfunction, or don’t fit, or are otherwise damaged. I generally think before I purchase. Like do I need this item, can I afford this item, will this item properly replace an item I already have. These questions should be tantamount to purchasing items regardless of what day of the week or holiday we purchase them on. The return of items purchased on black Friday once the morning after regret (or hours after regret in some cases) kicks in remains high and many stores have changed return policies on Black Friday sales to combat the influx of former purchasers standing in line to return the goods on Saturday morning that they stood in line to purchase on Friday morning.

What is it in our psyche which makes us crave and desire more things? One catalyst is our desire to be socioeconomically viable and culturally superior. I call it the “Jones’ syndrome.” What pray tail you may ask is the “Jones’ syndrome? This syndrome is how we view ourselves in relation to others in terms of our neighbors, friends, and those in our community, most notably with our wealth or lack thereof. In short, we as a country are defining ourselves by our POSSESSIONS! Many Americans are falling victim to keeping up with the Jones’ as we clamor for more “American Idols.” Do we have the latest iPhone®? Do our kids have the latest iPhone®? Do we live in a home bigger than our neighbors? Are our vehicles newer than our friends? Are we wearing the latest name brand clothes? Are our kids clothed in the latest name brand frocks? Try going to a ball game or any event for that matter in which adults are gathered in a room, and I can bet you it won’t be 5 minutes into the event that there are iPhones® and expensive Androids® and Tablets pulled from name brand (and knockoff) hand bags and side pockets of expensive jeans to show off one’s social prowess. It’s almost as if the person is silently screaming from their insides “look at me! Look at me! Look at me!” Try looking at one of those Otter Box® iPhone® cases and you can’t help but the see the conspicuous consumption involved. That circle cut out is for the brand logo of the phone to be visible to those around you. It would be devastating for someone to think you had a phone other than an iPhone®.  We are no longer comfortable trying to “keep up with the Jones’”; we want to be the Jones’ that others are attempting to keep up with.

Another nefarious force which keeps us into constant consumerism is the need to be gratified. There is some sort of gratification and reward to shopping. I am not exempt from feeling the euphoric feeling of purchasing that item that I have had a desire for and getting to put my hands on it and feel it and own it. The thing can soon become an idol if one is not careful. One may begin to want to make sure “it” is safe and well taken care of and clean and used properly. The inanimate object begins to dictate and warrant this type of response. A THING! The idolatry of things has become very pervasive in this country. Count the number of times you hold a conversation with someone about their phone, their home, their car each day. I personally know some people who I know more about their iPhone® than I do their husband or children.

There is an endless pursuit of consumerism in this country. That is evident not only on “Black Friday” but every day. Black Friday is an exaggerated commercialized “super holiday” to top off the Holiday of Thanksgiving. What an oxymoron! In today’s world, a bigger home is sought for room for the cat and dog and the baby who needs their very own master suite and a kitchen that must be gourmet but we eat out 5 days a week. There must be room in this home for a theater and a great room and a living room and three levels for 3 family members. We have traded the peace and security of a home big enough for the family for the worry, struggle and sacrifice of larger homes where we work our fingers to the bone to be able to enjoy a few moments in a larger brick and mortar structure. We have traded our time with our children for goods to occupy their time. We give them game stations, cell phones, and rooms on a separate floor and wonder where the time went as they grow up as we pass each other in the hallway. We have bigger vehicles fully equipped with television sets and headsets so never a word will be spoken between the kids and parents on the rides to and from the overloaded schedules laden with activities. We have traded time for things and we have traded people for things.

Now back to the lesson in idolatry. I do not want to make this a particularly religious argument because I believe people of all faiths practice idolatry; I will however use the words of God Himself to wrap up this lesson on idols. Idolatry by secular definition is the worship of a physical object as a god or the immoderate attachment or devotion to something. Idolatry is anything to which we give more of ourselves than the thing to which we idolize can or will ever give back to us. That is my definition. We put our things upon a pedestal. We fight for and stress out and cry over the thought of losing our things, including our homes. We desire to hold onto our possessions with ardent strength and view our worth by how many objects that we have acquired. There is nothing wrong with having things, and there is nothing right with acquiring things we do not need, we cannot afford, and we do not truly desire, because of the idea that we will somehow be better if we have these things. God commands those who are Christians to abstain from having idols and from bowing down and worshipping them. Common sense should command us to do the same.

                                 

Black and Single in South Central Kentucky

Hmmm. People say to me all the time, why are you still single? And I say because I am independent, strong, and not looking for a man. I don't want nor need a man. I think in my mind, "I wonder if they just bought that line of bull shit." I am still single because I am a 35 year old, black, single mom of three, living in a small town in rural Kentucky which has barely 1% African American population. To beat all, most of those 1% are my relatives. That is why I am still single. How can I overcome those odds to find "Mr. Right?" That is the question.

A staggering number of women, to be exact 86% have been married at least once by the age of 40. Time is ticking away for me as I am a little more than a month away from turning 36.  The only thing giving me comfort right now is the fact that every time I go eat Chinese food, their year of the rat place mats remind me that it is best for me to marry late in life. 

Single mom... Let's dissect this issue as it relates to marriage. Most pundits argue that a single mom only has about a 30% chance of ever marrying. I recently read a blog piece from a guy who listed the reasons he would not date a single mom. Here is what he has to say:

Single mothers. Well, here are MY issues with them (This pertains to a woman who had a kid and never married, or divorced her husband because “She wasn’t happy”. If she had a good marriage and he died, there might be wiggle room, but I still wouldn’t date her).

1: She decided to have a kid without a husband. This demonstrates terrible, selfish values. It also shows that she thinks of men as sperm donors and child support payers, NOT husbands & fathers. What will happen if you knock her up? Get ready to pay up for a kid that you won’t get to be a real dad to.

2: In some states, you can be responsible for child support by just living with her. I don’t want to pay for kids that aren’t mine. Do you?

3: False allegations of child abuse. It isn’t likely, but I don’t want to take that chance. Getting branded with a big “M” on your forehead (For Molester) will WRECK YOUR LIFE. It will never go away. Too big a risk.

4: Relationship aren’t easy as it is. Add a minor child and it really complicates the issue. Do you want to deal with her kid(s) too? You won’t be their dad and they will know it. Their mom already fucked up their life by not having a dad for them, and is fucking it up more by bringing in “Revolving door boyfriends” into their life.

5: Lots of single moms have financial problems. You will be obligated to help pay for sitters, food, braces, on and on. For children that aren’t yours. Get the credit card out!

6: There is NO reason to date one. Millions of women in this country are single with no kids, and in every age range. Go younger if you have to. Don’t waste your time with a woman that has PROVEN that she doesn’t want a husband for her and dad for her kids. Do you think she will change her mind for you? That she will forget her utter contempt for husbands and fathers just for you? Sure she will.

Although the arguments that this writer makes are from his own personal perspective and only offers up his opinions, I throughout my own life have met men who do not want to date a single mother for at least one of the reasons listed above. The writer did lose me on the "false allegations of child abuse" as that was way over the top. And I personally think the fathers are the ones who "fucked" up by failing to be responsible, available fathers in the lives of their children. I get sick and tired of mothers getting the bad rap. Most mothers would give anything if the absent fathers would be there for their kids. 

Realizing that I can't change the fact that I am a parent who is single (I won't say looking for love because I think love will find me), I have to find ways to accommodate the fact that I am a parent when attempting to date. It is increasingly difficult. I think it would have been easier if I would have tried to date and find someone meaningful when my children were younger. I have been single for so long that my children are even more rigid in terms of me dating. My relationship with my children and their wishes and desires have to trump mine and my desire to have a relationship with a man. I have also bore all the children I will ever bear. I am physically incapable of having any more children. This is another deterrent for men, especially those men who do not have children of their own. Some days it bothers me that I can't have any more children and it especially bothers me when I meet a man that I especially am fond of and I have to break the news that I can't have any more children. 

Let's move on to my other barriers. I am 35 going on 36. I am no longer a hot twenty something year old. I feel like I am a hot thirty something year but lets face it, thirty year old men are looking for twenty year old women, and forty year old men are looking for twenty year old women. I don't want to date someone so old he looks like my father. Age may be just a number but in the eyes of a man, it is a mark of fertility, virility, and a mark of their own self esteem. Just as I can't change the fact I am a single mom, I also can't change my age. 

Okay, I am a black woman. I think that would be okay if I lived in a large metropolitan area with a diverse population. Unfortunately where I live most of the men look like the cast of Duck Dynasty. That is NOT up my alley. The taboo of interracial relationships are still at issue in this small neck of the woods. People here still opine that it reads in the Bible that blacks and whites shouldn't mix. So as it stands I am a single 36 year old black woman with three kids. Sounds appealing right?

I have literally had to face my great desire to be in a fulfilling relationship which leads to a wonderful marriage, through tears at times. I don't feel like I HAVE to be married or I HAVE to be in a relationship. At this point, I kinda just want to see what my life would be like to be back in a committed relationship. 

I spent quite some time in a relationship with someone from my past who is actually in prison. In prison for many more years. 9 more years at best. 13 more years worse case scenario. Gosh do I feel stupid now... I remember one of my close friends scolding me and telling me it was better for me to be alone forever than to be with this person whom she considered not of the right ilk to begin with. I gave her all the reasons why I believed this was the thing for me to do. How the Universe was giving us so many signs and wonders that he is my soul mate. She said she didn't care about my delusions of the universe speaking to me, she cared about my well-being and she understood that I was trying to project my needs and desires of a relationship onto someone who was really in no position to be in a relationship. She asked me a frank question, "Are you doing this because you truly deep down inside are afraid you will not find someone to marry, so you settle for this person?" I wanted to shout, "NO, of course not." I couldn't, however. I was called on the carpet. In his defense, he is a dynamic person, very good looking, smart, and funny, but at the end of the day, he is in prison. I ended up feeling like I was in prison also. It was a relationship going nowhere fast... I still relish in the time that I had him in my life and absent that elephant in the room of prison, he would certainly be a catch! He is still a dear friend whom I talk to often. 

So will I ever find love?!? I don't know... Only time will tell. I won't sacrifice what I believe I deserve for the sake of being in a relationship... 

                    Single Moms Are Evil!

Irresponsible people make me sick! Especially single moms! How dare they bring children into this world outside of the sanctity of marriage? How dare they through their despicable and deplorable behavior bring children into this world whom are doomed to be fatherless, living in poverty,  and riding the rails of failure? What are they thinking? One can surmise that they are not thinking at all; well at least not thinking beyond those fleeting moments of passions. Single moms are evil and a cancerous blight on society. These statements have been made about single moms and are legitimate concerns. Should this notion that single moms are responsible for much of the problems in society be challenged or are they accurate summations of singlemotherdom? 

When I began this blog, I had in mind that I want to be the African American version of Ann Coulter. Ann Coulter of course is a conservative social and political talking head. She is a self-proclaimed polemicist and lives for stirring the proverbial pot. In that same vein, in preparation for writing this blog I read (Cliffs Notes Style) her book "Guilty: Liberal "Victims" and Their Assault on America", and was taken aback by the validity of many claims Mrs. Coulter made in regards to single mothers and what their off spring often  produce. As a single mother, my conscious mind wanted to dismiss the facts Mrs. Coulter had compiled. I wanted to look for loopholes and implications of her getting it wrong. However, that can't happen because she gets it right. Spot on, right. 

In the chapter of the book entitled "Victim of a crime? Thank a single mom", I was quickly reminded of Mitt Romney basically saying during a presidential debate that single moms are responsible for automatic weapons related violence. Here is an excerpt from that chapter:

“Here is the lottery ticket that single mothers are handing their innocent children by choosing to raise them without fathers: Controlling for socioeconomic status, race, and place of residence, the strongest predictor of whether a person will end up in prison is that he was raised by a single parent. By 1996, 70 percent of inmates in state juvenile detention centers serving long-term sentences were raised by single mothers. Seventy-two percent of juvenile murderers and 60 percent of rapists come from single-mother homes. Seventy percent of teenage births, dropouts, suicides, runaways, juvenile delinquents, and child murderers involve children raised by single mothers. Girls raised without fathers are more sexually promiscuous and more likely to end up divorced. A 1990 study by the Progressive Policy Institute showed that after controlling for single motherhood, the difference between black and white crime rates disappeared."

Here is another excerpt from the book:

"A study cited in the Village Voice produced similar numbers. It found that children brought up in single-mother homes ‘are five times more likely to commit suicide, nine times more likely to drop out of high school, 10 times more likely to abuse chemical substances, 14 times more likely to commit rape (for the boys), 20 times more likely to end up in prison, and 32 times more likely to run away from home.’ Single motherhood is like a farm team for future criminals and social outcasts."

Wow! Pretty sobering statistics especially for someone like me who is a single mother of THREE! I kept saying to myself, "Oh no. My boys are going to grow up to be rapists and murderers if they don't commit suicide first. And my daughter is going to be a promiscuous, high school dropout, runaway. ALL because I CHOSE to be a single mom." Well correction, I didn't specifically choose nor not choose to be a single mom. And therein lies the problem. But my children also did not choose to be the product of a single parent home. Much to my chagrin, I had to admit, though I gave it greater than a college try to debunk the facts, that these numbers do reflect the harsh realities of being raised by a single mother.  

So where do we go from here? First of all, lets get it straight that Mrs. Coulter is a neoconservative who is staunchly pro-life. I often wonder if she would want those murderers, rapist, delinquents, and otherwise aborted in order to save the nation from its single motherhood-induced demise, because we all know that birth control methods are not 100% fool proof. Choice, I think choice is a very important part of the equation. I believe when individuals have enough choices, they are more likely to make better choices. 

Second of all, lets not only look at the statistics. There is no yard stick in those statistics pertaining to single mother involvement in the lives of the children. Black and white parents, rich and poor parents, city and country parents alike can be bad parents, regardless of whether there is a mother and a father in the home. There is no measure of whether the single parent is a good parent or a bad parent. This is critical! The yardsticks that were used to create the statistics also give no mention of whether the single mom practiced any particular religion. Do the numbers change for single moms who practice Christianity? Oh wait, I suppose Mrs. Coulter would deduce that if they were truly born again Christians they would not be single mothers at all. At any rate, it isn't up to me to debunk her claims in their totality. It is up to me to ensure that my children do not and will not end up a part of these statistics. That is what any good parent would do.  

Finally, let's get some truth out there. Being a single mother is HARD! Being a parent is HARD! Do you know how many times I wished there was someone who would yell at the children for leaving their dirty clothes on floor so I wouldn't have to? How many times I wished that I could get sick and have someone else to do the running, cooking, and cleaning? Or how many times I have wanted to be weak but I had to be strong? I incur panic, doubt, loneliness, exhaustion, resentment, and even anger at times and at the end of it all, I am still parenting alone. No soft place for me to fall. 

My 8th grader who will be going into high school next year will be in Honor's Math and Honor's English. My 7th grader is an avid athlete and great student. My 6th grader received honors for end of the school year testing and is in some categories, she is testing above the 95% percentile. They are well rounded and well accepted among their peers. I have an exceptional nephew who is currently attending University of Louisville on a full four year academic scholarship who was raised by a single mom. The President of the United States was raised by a single mom. There are exceptions to every rule or in this case statistic. 

My hope is that single motherhood becomes obsolete as young women empower themselves and take control of their reproductive rights. I hope that men will rise up and be  fathers and stick around and be responsible for rearing their children. It is time that we raise our moral compasses and stop saying yes to things to which we should say no. We should say NO to being "baby mama's." We should say NO to unhealthy single parenthood just as we should say no to unhealthy two parent families. Why, because children should be the by products of healthy relationships. We shouldn't shame young women into not becoming a single parent statistics, rather we should educate them. With no one willing to concede to the difficulties, no one willing to concede to saying if I could have done it differently, there is no one who can be educated and do things differently. When you are a single mom their is no time to feel sorry for yourself and few people who would, so as we go about the business of doing this job, we owe it to our children to rise above the tide of statistics and carve out a life for our children that many would think impossible. Being a mother is my greatest accomplishment. Being a single mother is my greatest challenge. 

~When you know better, you do better~ Maya Angelou   

                               Credits: Guilty: Liberal "Victims" and Their Assault on America by Ann Coulter

Today is the day! It is the day that I break free from the chains of spouting off at the mouth on Facebook  and Twitter, being silent when I really want to scream, and stop allowing my voice to be limited to the 1,000 plus friends I have on Facebook and share my quirky, sarcastic, spirit with the world!

This is my very first blog and as an IT professional I would hope that it would be excellent and informative and well laid out. And in time it will be! I am going to pour my all into this blog and give wings to my voice.

What is "Silence of the damned" all about? This blog is going to be devoted to issues that are important to me. Issues that should be important to us all. Issues that we don't want to talk about, issues that divide us, and issues that tug at our heart strings. We cannot remain silent nor complacent about issues that are affecting us on a daily basis. You will find a smorgasbord of topics here!

I am excited and thrilled to start this journey of a thousand miles today with this first step. I asked my sister a few weeks ago, "why does everyone care what I have to say?" She said because you are smart and intelligent and you know what you are talking about. Well I agree with that. At the end of the day God gives each of us a gift, and mine is not only my voice but my ability to influence through my voice. I got some pretty good fight in me too.

Let's get this party started!

Kimberly Keepinitreal Taylor